


and has thou not betrayed me?

by artsycat



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Character Death, angsty sex, emo mikasa, lots of sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:22:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28646727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsycat/pseuds/artsycat
Summary: “ Hide not thy poison with such sugar'd words; Lay not thy hands on me; forbear, I say! Their touch affrights me as a serpent's sting. ” - William Shakespeare, Henry VI, Part 2“Are you ready to kill Eren?” Annie had said, and maybe she wasn’t then, and maybe she isn’t now. But, Mikasa thinks almost savagely, she can make him hurt, and in that at least she can avenge the poor souls whose only crime was being alive in this godforsaken world.“Crying might not do anything for them,” Mikasa manages to say beneath the tears and snot running down her face. She tries to glare ferociously at him. “But killing you might.”
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Comments: 6
Kudos: 116





	and has thou not betrayed me?

**Author's Note:**

> i started writing this a couple of chapters ago so if things don't make sense i apologize. if it helps consider this an AU. also this is un-edited so read at your own risk.

The light from the cells is faint, it’s source coming from the flickering candles beyond the bars, on the outside. The warm, orange glow barely reaches her, chained up as she is by both hands and feet. She has been in the dark for so long, and she wants light.

Mikasa’s arms burn from the position they’ve been chained in. Her ankles are no better and she winces as the metal chafes against the sensitive skin. It’s difficult to focus, and her vision blurs and blacks out more than once. It would be easy to break out, Mikasa knows. Easy to escape, it’s just that - 

She needs to see Eren. It’s why she even allowed herself to be thrown in a cell in the first place. But it’s been weeks and there has been no sign of him appearing. She thinks about what’s going on outside, what must have become of the world now. She tries so desperately not to think of all the dead people, tries not to think of their fear and desperation. She tries so hard and yet, in the dark of the night, she thinks she can almost hear their screams.

The entire world is screaming, and Mikasa can do no more than turn her head away and hide her shame-filled face and the tears that stream down on it.

She had always known that she was a coward where it counted. She just didn’t think her cowardice would lead her to this.

_“Are you ready to kill Eren?”_ Annie’s voice echoes through her mind and how could have Mikasa given an answer to that? When her entire life all she’s been doing is to protect him? Aunt Carla’s voice, her concerned face, eyes so full of worry as they watch Eren’s retreating form, and Mikasa promising her that she would always protect this boy who had saved her. Always.

She just never thought that the person she’d have to protect Eren from was himself.

Her mind wanders over to Armin and Hanji and Levi and the rest of them and her heart hurts so painfully that she can’t help the sob that escapes her mouth. They’re dead, she thinks dully, resolutely. They could not have fought back against Eren now, not after what he’s become. Perhaps it would be better if she had confirmation of their deaths and then put that information aside and never think about it again. It would just be better to _know_ , but the guards don’t tell her anything but kick a tray of food towards her that will go untouched.

Finally, after a time that feels like forever, Eren comes.

She knows his footsteps, loud and heavy. Even in his quietness he was incapable of silence, but there is something different about it this time, as if he was deliberately trying to make himself known. This, of all things, scares her; as if all the things she has ever known about him were nothing more than mere pretend. And when his green, green eyes meet her own, she can’t help the flinch, can’t help but think _who are you_ , _what are you_ and _what have you done with Eren_?

“I didn’t think they’d chain you up.” He says after a moment of silent contemplation. Mikasa ignores this, instead saying:

“The others… Armin,” here her voice, already raw and ragged, chokes. “Are they…” She doesn’t dare finish the sentence, doesn’t want to think of what must have become of them. Armin, she thinks over and over, his name a mantra, a prayer in her mind. What has happened to the sweet golden boy she loved like a brother? She cannot bear to find out.

Eren only looks at her blankly and doesn’t bother answering her implied question. In some ways, it’s a mercy. “They’re telling me that you aren’t eating. If you want to die, there are other, more effective ways, than starvation.”

“How do you think I can eat,” Mikasa starts, feeling the anger rise up within her; the anger that she allowed to turn to grief when there was no one to be angry at. Fortunately for her anger, Eren is here now. “How do you think I can sleep or drink or do anything after what you’ve done?”

Eren sighs and moves behind her. She can hear the turn of the lock, and the shackles on both sets of joints are loosened now, slipping off from her wrists down to the floor. The relief is sudden and immense and she brings her wrists to her chest, soothing the burns and chafes with her fingers. 

“I’ll make sure the guards put you in a room and get you a doctor to check up on you. And…” Here Eren turns to retrieve a brown bag which he must have placed on the table when he entered her cell. He hands it to her.

It’s the smell that hits her first. Warm and heavenly, Mikasa almost weeps. She pulls the loaf out from the bag and tears a piece. In it, she can discern raisins and nuts of different kinds embedded in the sponginess of the bread. Just as she takes another whiff, the hunger, much like the relief, comes in full force. It’s been several days and truly, this bread was much more tempting than the bland porridge that was thrown at her face. But she knows the implication of accepting this offering. It almost makes her want to throw the bread back at his face in spite. 

“A room with a bed and warm food. Do you think that’s going to make up for all you did?” She asks, bite in her voice. She so desperately wants to throw the bread away but it’s been _days_ and she was hungry. She nibbles and feels the guilt, betrayal and shame overwhelm her with each bite. 

Eren shrugs. “It’s your favourite isn’t it?” He points with his chin at the bread. “As for the room… you’re more than welcome to stay here if you like, although I assure you penitence can still be achieved without making a martyr of yourself.”

Mikasa laughs bitterly, the sound sounding strange to her ears; she has never laughed in such a way before. “One of us has to feel guilt. You don’t seem to be doing much of it, though I can’t say I’m surprised.”

“Guilt for what?” Eren asks, looking truly curious. “I’ve saved mankind. I know… I know it must be difficult - you always had a gentle heart, but Mikasa, this was the only way. One day you’ll stop being stubborn and understand, but if you wish to weep over the people you could never have saved anyways, then do so. Just know it won’t matter if you do. They’re dead and gone, now.”

She can’t help but think of Armin. Dead and gone, he says, but Armin… Armin had to be alive, he had to.

But even if Armin were alive, then what? Eren was right - everyone was dead and gone. There wasn’t anyone to save. Admitting that, even if only in her head, brought Mikasa despair and grief. What could she do? What can she do? She allows the thoughts that she had blocked off to stream rapidly - the images of babies and children, mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, lovers and families - people, people with lives so beautiful and wondrous and full of hope, trampled like daisies underfoot.

She weeps. She might have felt humiliation in doing so if she hadn’t lost it already. Besides, there were worse things to lose than dignity.

_“Are you ready to kill Eren?”_ Annie had said, and maybe she wasn’t then, and maybe she isn’t now. But, Mikasa thinks almost savagely, she can make him hurt, and in that at least she can avenge the poor souls whose only crime was being alive in this godforsaken world. 

“Crying might not do anything for them,” Mikasa manages to say beneath the tears and snot running down her face. She tries to glare ferociously at him. “But killing you might.”

It’s a bluff, and Mikasa prays he doesn’t see right through it. Although, whatever she had expected to see on Eren’s face definitely wasn’t a small smile that emanated relief. It throws her back for a minute.

“Will you?” He asks. “I thought you would. In fact, I was expecting you to do so for quite some time now, but that’s besides the point. Here,” he tosses her a dagger from his pocket which she catches easily. “Do your worst.”

He’s messing with her, Mikasa knows. He thinks she won’t do it. Thinks that if she didn’t before, she won’t now, and maybe he’s right, but Mikasa sees the dagger in her hand, and see’s Eren right in front of her and all she can think of is _Armin_ and _Sasha_ and _Levi_ and _Hanji_ and _Jean_ and _Connie_ and the names of all the people that were now dead and gone. _Dead and gone_ …

She doesn’t know how she does it. One moment Eren is in front of her and the next he is beneath her and the point of the dagger is sharp and she drags it lightly across his neck. 

Before he opens his mouth to speak, Mikasa cuts him off. “Sasha would have been alive if it weren’t for you.” She says, the words spilling out of her mouth like a faucet let loose. “Do you ever think about that? Do you even care that she died? That any of our friends died?” _Armin_ , she thinks but shakes her head. She can’t, not right now.

“Avenge them.” He says simply, staring up at her. “Avenge all of them.”

She presses the point of the dagger hard enough to draw blood. “You said you always hated me. Was that a lie or the truth?” Hysteria must be bubbling up inside of her, but Mikasa needed to know the answer to this. She _had_ to. She knew the answer herself but she just… she needed confirmation.

Eren looks almost vaguely disappointed. “You already know the answer to that.” He says, confirming her thoughts. The dagger in her hand trembles and Mikasa presses into the skin harder.

“I can skin you alive.” She says. “I can pull out your intestine and make you eat it. You think I can’t kill you but I can make you wish I did. You’ll want death after I’m done with you.”

Eren only stares. Green eyes boring into grey. Mikasa feels like vomiting. “Do it, then.”

And the dagger is thrown to the wall with a noisy clang; her mouth presses against Eren’s who pushes her down on her back, devouring her mouth. It’s hot and messy and it's more of a gnash of teeth than it is a lover’s kiss. Nothing what she ever expected her kiss with Eren to be like. She runs her hands roughly through his hair, wrapping the long strands around her knuckles and _pulling_ , making Eren gasp as she plunders her tongue in his mouth.

She moans at the feeling of his tongue on her own, moans at the way his hips press against hers, searching for friction. She flips him on his back, the adrenaline and exhilaration in her giving her more strength then she thought she had, and kisses him gently this time. If this must happen, Mikasa thinks, then let it happen the way she imagined it to be. Let there be a little, comforting lie amidst all this ruin. It’s the only mercy she will take.

She savours the taste of his mouth. Good and sweet and pure and everything she had once thought him to be. She sighs as Eren moves to kiss her cheek, her ear, her jaw; his hands moving soothingly up and down her waist. She sits up a little and settles into his groin; can feel his arousal digging into her inner thigh. _So you’re a man after all_ , she thinks uncharitably as he brings himself up to kiss her again, to run his fingers through her short hair, snaking his arm around her waist to pull her closer to him. She wants to hate herself for how much she still wants this, and yet, cannot find it in herself to care. He pulls up her shirt discarding it away, and palms her small breasts, kneading the nipples to harden. 

Mikasa gasps, arching her back into his hand. He brings her hand, the one wrapped in his long, soft hair and trails kisses on it from the tip of her fingers down to her breast, where he licks the underside of it before taking it in his mouth. Mikasa can’t help but moan at the sight, and cradles his head, pressing his mouth closer. His teeth bite into the nipple and Mikasa hisses as he soothes the hurt with his tongue. He moves to the other breast, performing the same ministrations and Mikasa works to remove his own shirt from him, and drinks in the sight of his body; harsh lines of muscle and skin, and as she moves his hand up and down his abs Mikasa could feel him shudder. She couldn’t help but think of how beautiful he was, and in the same breath, couldn’t help but think how easy it was to lose her mind to her body. 

It took no time to push the rest of their clothes out of the way. Mikasa settles onto the ground as Eren works above her, kissing every inch of her neck and chest until Mikasa’s panting and begging and saying, _yes, please, more, don’t stop_ . She brushes her hand against his length and Eren hisses, bucking his hips into her loose hand, and suddenly it’s Eren who’s panting and begging as Mikasa fists him tightly, Eren who is saying, _please, more, please, don’t stop_.

She’s already wet by the time she brings him down to her entrance. He slips in easily, without thought, and Mikasa feels herself filling up inch by inch. It made her want to cry; she had been empty for so long.

“So good,” she hears Eren say, his head in between her collarbones. “So, so good. Mikasa, you feel so good.”

She adjusts her hips, emitting a groan from Eren as she does so. He’s buried in her to the hilt and as he moves up to look at her, Mikasa bites the inside of her cheek and tries to push his head down. _Traitor_ she thinks, after everything could she not have this?

But the look on Eren’s face is affectionate. He brings his face to hers, their noses pressing lightly against each other. She tries to search for the regret in her eyes but stops herself when all she can find is love, and screws her eyes shut in a gasp as he begins to move in her.

It’s slow, and lovingly, and gentle and everything she ever imagined it to be. If she tries hard enough she can pretend that they are still in their trainee days, back when everything had been so simple. This is how it should have always been, she thinks. If it had, maybe she would have found out sooner, maybe she could have convinced Eren not to go through with it. Maybe everything that ever happened wouldn’t have happened and she could lose herself in Eren without the shame and guilt that was waiting for her in the end. 

She groans as he thrusts a bit harsher. She won’t even have to touch herself to come if it goes on like this. She rakes her nails down his back, feeling Eren moan and move even harsher within. She brings her hands to his arse, cupping the skin and pressing in, encouraging him to go deeper, to go faster. The heat in her belly has moved its way throughout her body and everything felt so good, felt so much better than whatever relief she tried to find in vain by her own hand. 

“Fuck me,” she says, tears blurring her vision as she loses herself in ecstasy. “Do it, fuck me.”

Eren groans above her, and moves his face into the side of her neck, and loses himself inside of her. His thrusts are harsh and rough and unforgiving and Mikasa loves all of it. She throws her head back moaning in delight, encouraging sweet murmurs into Eren’s ears and _yes, she loves this, she wants this, it feels so good to her. So good._

It’s not unexpected that she comes, but the intensity of it is. She shudders violently, her legs wrapped around Eren’s waist, heel digging into his backside as her orgasm takes her. All she can see is white, hot and flashing and she holds onto Eren until her orgasm subsides, until her limbs are all turned to jelly and drops to the floor like the tears running down her temple. 

She can still feel Eren thrusting until he doesn’t anymore, until all she can hear is the sound of his groan, loud and vibrating, and the shudder of his own body as he spills himself within her. He slips out and collapses besides her, breathing harshly, and reaches out to bring her in his arms, settling her against his chest.

It’s quiet for a long while until Eren says, “Do you still want to torture me?” Of course, he had to ruin everything, and Mikasa feels like crying again. How could he ask her of this after everything? How could he ask her this when he held her so sweetly in his arms?

“Please,” she begs. “Don’t. Eren, don’t.” And he listens. Perhaps Mikasa should have begged him sooner.

The next time she sees him she’s waiting for him on the bed. She tries not to think of anything else.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> hey guys! i know it's been a while and i apologize if i haven't responded to your comments on my other fics - will be attempting to do that very soon. also, i apologize if the flow of the fic isn't smooth, i haven't written creatively in god knows how long so everything's a bit rusty rn. i wrote this piece a couple of chapters ago so definitely think of this as an AU if you have trouble thinking about how this predicament would work in the current canon. stay safe!


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